What would you say to 20 year old self?

*Notes have thoughtfully been added at the bottom of the blog to allow for my nefarious tendency to go off topic*

I was listening to NPR on my way home and heard a clip asking "What would you say to yourself at age 20?" (or something like that) just as I parked and turned off the car. As I put away my groceries and prepared dinner *1* I thought about the question. What would I tell myself at 20 if I could? Of course I couldn't say anything too revealing about the future *2*, but aren't there some words of advice, encouragement, or even criticism that could get through?

So what would I tell myself at age 20?

Dear Tricia,
I call you Tricia, instead of Trish or some variation thereof, because I know how weird you feel about your name and it's uniqueness, and how you don't like it mashed into one syllable, because, I am you, only in the future, so somewhat different, yet the same. Therefore, I shall not call you "me" because I'm me and that would be weird. =}

So Tricia, how's it going? No wait, don't answer that. Trick question! Ha! I know how it's going. Or at least mostly. There's a lot I've forgotten over the past 10 years. Wow, it's been 10 years... I remember you being pretty perky. You are just starting teaching Montessori in the far North West corner of Elkhart at a reformed gun club. You are nervous a little, but very excited, and so amazed at the things those kids are learning. You are also discovering how much you enjoy working with them and how good it makes you and them feel. You'll even find yourself writing *3* a musical about Joseph! You're still teaching dance classes, though you're finding yourself getting overwhelmed with doing both, and soon you'll have to take a break from teaching dance so you can focus on your Montessori class. You're pretty much a great person Tricia, and you don't give yourself enough credit. You think you're kind of a weirdo, and you are, but you don't know how cool that is yet.

So here's my advice, you know that part in the Bible where it says we should love God, and love our neighbors as ourselves... Do that. You are kind of self righteous and you think you know best, but you don't. You think you don't have any regrets right now, but you will, and that's kind of unavoidable. I'm sorry. I don't really remember what's important to you right now. I know that it will change soon though. You'll begin to doubt yourself and the truth that you know. You will stumble, and be broken, and you will hurt so bad you'll cry for weeks. It pretty much sucks. No, it really sucks. Through it all you'll know who is there to love and support you, so don't keep it to yourself. Let them be there for you. You'll do your best to be there for them later on when they need you.

I'm going to tell you this, and even though you've heard it before and ignored it then, and must continue to ignore it now, do your best to be who you know you are. Enjoy the beauty of the world around you. Travel some more! Don't just stop and smell the roses, deeply inhale the aromas that please you! When you are excited, humored, pleased...don't try to temper or control it! Above all, don't lose yourself in despondency over what you cannot change *4* but forgive yourself, forgive others and know that you will be alright. Take confidence! You don't need to worry about anything, it's all covered by the grace of God. *5*

There's probably more I would/should say, but for now, I'll just leave it with that.
Love,
Me

*1:Casablanca Pot, substituted cream cheese for the heavy cream the original recipe called for since, even though I just got home from the store, I discovered that I had no heavy cream. *sigh* But the Pot was delicious and quite creamy anyway!

*2:I have no desire to destroy the space/time continuum, rend the material of reality, or whatever the hell effect me from the present telling me from the past anything important would have.

*3:Technically the Montessori kids are supposed to write it, but you are the one throwing all their ideas together, and stepping WAY outside your "box" by writing the music and songs, and doing something more comfortable (choreography!) to produce it!

*4: The past, or... the future?

*5: Literally =}