What would you say to 20 year old self?

*Notes have thoughtfully been added at the bottom of the blog to allow for my nefarious tendency to go off topic*

I was listening to NPR on my way home and heard a clip asking "What would you say to yourself at age 20?" (or something like that) just as I parked and turned off the car. As I put away my groceries and prepared dinner *1* I thought about the question. What would I tell myself at 20 if I could? Of course I couldn't say anything too revealing about the future *2*, but aren't there some words of advice, encouragement, or even criticism that could get through?

So what would I tell myself at age 20?

Dear Tricia,
I call you Tricia, instead of Trish or some variation thereof, because I know how weird you feel about your name and it's uniqueness, and how you don't like it mashed into one syllable, because, I am you, only in the future, so somewhat different, yet the same. Therefore, I shall not call you "me" because I'm me and that would be weird. =}

So Tricia, how's it going? No wait, don't answer that. Trick question! Ha! I know how it's going. Or at least mostly. There's a lot I've forgotten over the past 10 years. Wow, it's been 10 years... I remember you being pretty perky. You are just starting teaching Montessori in the far North West corner of Elkhart at a reformed gun club. You are nervous a little, but very excited, and so amazed at the things those kids are learning. You are also discovering how much you enjoy working with them and how good it makes you and them feel. You'll even find yourself writing *3* a musical about Joseph! You're still teaching dance classes, though you're finding yourself getting overwhelmed with doing both, and soon you'll have to take a break from teaching dance so you can focus on your Montessori class. You're pretty much a great person Tricia, and you don't give yourself enough credit. You think you're kind of a weirdo, and you are, but you don't know how cool that is yet.

So here's my advice, you know that part in the Bible where it says we should love God, and love our neighbors as ourselves... Do that. You are kind of self righteous and you think you know best, but you don't. You think you don't have any regrets right now, but you will, and that's kind of unavoidable. I'm sorry. I don't really remember what's important to you right now. I know that it will change soon though. You'll begin to doubt yourself and the truth that you know. You will stumble, and be broken, and you will hurt so bad you'll cry for weeks. It pretty much sucks. No, it really sucks. Through it all you'll know who is there to love and support you, so don't keep it to yourself. Let them be there for you. You'll do your best to be there for them later on when they need you.

I'm going to tell you this, and even though you've heard it before and ignored it then, and must continue to ignore it now, do your best to be who you know you are. Enjoy the beauty of the world around you. Travel some more! Don't just stop and smell the roses, deeply inhale the aromas that please you! When you are excited, humored, pleased...don't try to temper or control it! Above all, don't lose yourself in despondency over what you cannot change *4* but forgive yourself, forgive others and know that you will be alright. Take confidence! You don't need to worry about anything, it's all covered by the grace of God. *5*

There's probably more I would/should say, but for now, I'll just leave it with that.
Love,
Me

*1:Casablanca Pot, substituted cream cheese for the heavy cream the original recipe called for since, even though I just got home from the store, I discovered that I had no heavy cream. *sigh* But the Pot was delicious and quite creamy anyway!

*2:I have no desire to destroy the space/time continuum, rend the material of reality, or whatever the hell effect me from the present telling me from the past anything important would have.

*3:Technically the Montessori kids are supposed to write it, but you are the one throwing all their ideas together, and stepping WAY outside your "box" by writing the music and songs, and doing something more comfortable (choreography!) to produce it!

*4: The past, or... the future?

*5: Literally =}

My brain: the octopus with too many tenacles in too many places

So I'm putting off doing this weekend's dishes just a little bit longer to write and do something I *want* to do today, as opposed to something I *have* to do. Granted, some of the things I had to do were fun in their own way, but still doing something you don't *have* to do, but just *want* to do, when the *have to*s are pressing just feels so damn rebellious, you know?



Therefore, I play my turn in my Scrabble games on Facebook, and write my own blog. This week (and last several weeks leading up to this week) is quite hectic. Actually I've been using the term "Hellacious". Maybe a bit of an overstatement, but yeah...
I'm trying not to go crazy, or be frustrated, or stressed, etc. I remember when I was young and discovered that I can "choose" my attitude. So I'm trying to be intentional about being patient, filled with grace, thankfulness, etc. We'll ask Jeff at the end of the week how well that was accomplished.

Items on my agenda:
-Making sure that the parents of my 48 dancers know all the details of where to be, when, what to wear, bring, etc for the dress rehearsal Thursday, the rehearsal and performance Friday at First Fridays, and the recital itself Saturday.

-With my own dance practices, classes, plus classes/rehearsals I'm teaching, dancing every day this week totalling around 10 hours

-Finalizing costuming for 5 dances despite dance wear companies not sending me the right stuff. (I literally opened what was supposed to be a huge box of sombreros and mini American flags that I recieved on Saturday only to find a couple of "garden kneelers"... I'm not kidding!)

-Writing up all the recital info for the programs etc

-Finding the right new breadmaker for me and ordering it so I can at least have the comfort of homemade bread again

-Oh yeah, teaching in my Montessori school.

-Memorizing several Middle Eastern dances' choreography, learning the camel, balade, karsh lama, and all kinds of unnamed twisty, curvy movements that my body is so unused to.

So, what am I thankful for this week? I'm thankful for my church, Downtown @808. My peeps there have really been speaking a lot of challenging truths into my life. This weeks' passage was 1 Peter 3:8-22. There was a lot of interesting discussion that went on about it, but I really am hanging on to this tidbit "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." I mean, really, can you imagine a world like that? Where everyone is sympathetic to the needs of the people around them? Where we are all filled with compassion and humility?



Aside from that, I'm really thankful to learn that Chamberlain, one of my favorite bands of all time is going on tour again this summer!! They're officially retired (and have been for the past several years) but their lead singer/songwriter put out an album (David Moore "My Lover, My Stranger") last year that I really loved too. So anyway, that's something I'm really looking forward to in June. (I'll post more thankfulness about them later)

Okay, I also have to admit, I'm pretty thankful for my crazy inducing jobs. Teaching dance classes and Montessori is really hugely enjoyable and I really love having a "profession" that allows me to make such a positive impact in the world.



Ok, back to the grindstone...well, the dishes anyway. Maybe I'll listen to some Chamberlain while I wash.

Thanks friends

I'm still a little bit amazed when I think about my thirtieth birthday. Somehow my husband managed to pull off a complete surprise party, even though I was suspicious he might try. I knew I was going to dinner with mom and dad, and then lo' and behold! There was everyone at Jade Garden!

So this is a thanks to Mom and Dad. I wouldn't be here without them. And they, of all people, have had the most influence on making me who I am. I love them both so much.

Thanks to Norma and Paul. They've been there for mom and dad over the years. I've always respected them both and appreciate their influence in my early years of Sunday School and youth group.

Thanks to Papa and Edna. Papa has always been a good grandfather to me. And Edna is the perfect "help-mate" to Papa. I'm so glad he has her, and I'm so glad I have her too.

Thanks to Myriah, Mike, Margaux, and Ender. Myriah's been my closest friend for many years. We've been through hell and back together and I love her like the sister I never had. Margaux and Ender are the cutest little cuties. Mike has been Jeff's friend for ages, a real funny guy, and if it weren't for his friendship w/ Jeff, we would've never re-met at Jeff's b-day party so many years ago, and may not be married now!

Thanks to Ruth J., who once invited me to a girl's jewelry party at her house, and thus began our burgeoning friendship. She's enthusiastic, charismatic, and brave, something I really admire in her.

Thanks to Brooke, who is always interesting me in new cooking challenges, and has introduced me to one of my favorite games (Munchkin), favorite tv shows (IT Crowd), etc etc. She is another brave, confident, and all around inspiring person. She's moving to Nebraska soon and I'm really going to miss her. Though thankfully, we'll always have the internet.

Thanks to Christina, who I met through Brooke, and am so glad I did. She's hilarious, quirky, and just the right amount of extro/introvert. I am usually laughing when I'm with her, because she's the kind of person that makes a dull day seem brighter.

Thanks to Scott, who always has something witty to say and is the official bringer of drinks to almost all of our social events. He also loaned me his truck when Jeff didn't have his new car yet and had to use my car for work. He's a very giving and caring person.

Thanks to Jess and Chad. Jess has cut my hair according to my exact specifications for many years, without complaining that I never do anything new. She's also a funny, candid person, and I appreciate her openness and honesty. Chad has the marvelous ability to appreciate and laugh at even the lamest jokes and puns, which makes him fun to be around.

Thanks to Myron and Dana. I probably can't even begin to cover what they've done for me, my church, our little Goshen community. They are true, honest, and humble people. Myron's been my pastor longer than anyone else, and they were our premarital councilors. Aside from all of that, they're just fun, easy-going people that I greatly enjoy spending time with.

Thanks to Chelle and Ben. Ben has been one of Jeff's accountability partners for awhile now, and Chelle just moved here recently, but I already feel like she's an old friend. She's wonderfully easy to talk to and has an innate creative energy. Ben's a fairly quiet person, but when he does have something to say, it's nearly always either profound, or funny. Sometimes both.

Thanks to Adam, who is one of our longest standing "poker buddies". We've shared many journey's, long and short for various poker events with Adam and there's something about that that binds people together in a way. We've shared victories and defeats, sometimes both in the same night. Plus Adam has that kind of sarcastic/contrary humor that always hits my funny bone.

Then of course, I have to thank my husband, my friend, my confidant, Jeff, who, along with my mom, brought everyone together for the evening. Jeff has been my husband for almost three years, and my friend for much longer. Mike and Myriah used to tease us about each other when we were totally platonic, turns out they were right, if just a bit early. =} We share so much together and seem to become more alike the longer we're together, but I can't imagine life without him. I'm thankful for his humor, his passion, his wit, and wisdom, and just him in general.

Ok, I think that's enough gushing for one day. *wry grin*